A Difficult Birth
Sandra
was pregnant for nine months
and was due
to give birth
yesterday.
Her
husband, Steven, was really excited
and they were both very happy. When Sandra
started to go
into labor, crying and screaming with pain,
Steven took her to
the hospital. He even had a video camera to record
the wonderful occasion. The
doctor quickly concentrated on
Sandra and her
baby, while Steven stood by.
Then
Sandra began
to bleed a
lot and the
doctor had to pull
the baby out
of her body by
hand. Seeing the
bloodied baby arrive caused
Steven to faint.
He was placed in a
hospital bed to
receive an injection
that would revive
him. Sandra
was not happy
with her
husband at all, muttering
and complaining
about how weak he was.
But as she took her
baby boy
into her arms,
she had to laugh - she would
have two babies
and not
one to look
after if Steven
did not recover
soon!
General Comments:
·
Spacing between words and lines is very large.
This needs to be adjusted unless it is your style.
·
The story is a little gory, so I have toned it
down a bit!
·
If you mean to say that she was 6 months
pregnant and that the baby came early, you must say so. Otherwise it should be
9 months as I have put.
·
I have changed today to yesterday to be
clearer to the reader that it is a past tense story.
·
There are several spelling mistakes – always
check after writing.
·
The word incantation is used
incorrectly here. It is a religious word.
·
There does not seem to be a very strong point
or conclusion to this story. I think it could have been less detailed about the
actual birth, and made funnier about Steven’s reaction. I have added a
conclusion to help you that I think fits well. Delete it of course if you
dislike it, or have a word limit.
·
Instead
of short sentences, try and join them as I have done to make your writing less
‘choppy.’
·
You just need to spend more time rereading and
rechecking your writing, and then fewer mistakes will be made.
