My High School Life

My   High   School   Life

My  high  school  life  is  not  only  interesting,  but  also   enriching[H1] .  Everyday  I  must  get  up  early  in  order  to  get   to  school  on  time.  There is a lot of homework,  but  teachers   teach  us  with  all  their  heart.  I  am always busy  doing  my  homework  and  rewiewing  it.  In  these  three  years,  I  am  sure  to  get  previous lot of  knowledge.

---

 [H1]When you are using an adjective to describe an object like “high school life,” it will end in “ing.” If you are describing yourself, then use “ed.”

icorrect我目前的紀錄文章

http://www.correctwriting.com.tw/cw/write_list.asp?ptype=0

間： 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 年 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 月 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 日 ~ 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 年 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 月 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 日

處理編號 上傳文章 批閱外師 批閱 狀況 扣點 功能 建立日期 修改日期 留言版 0005582 Debra's Revenge.doc Jared 完成 下載 122 2013/8/2 2013/8/5 0005581 An Embarrassing Bus Ride.doc Jared 完成 下載 129 2013/8/2 2013/8/5 0005579 A Difficult Birth.doc Helena 完成 下載 122 2013/8/2 2013/8/3 0005580 A Terrible Walk Home.doc Helena 完成 下載 122 2013/8/2 2013/8/2 0003998 生活2.doc Evangeline 完成 下載 148 2012/6/7 2012/6/10 0003997 生活1.doc Jared 完成 下載 94 2012/6/7 2012/6/8 0003816 Fanny.doc Evangeline 完成 下載 200 2012/6/1 2012/6/4

批改過的Debra’s Revenge

Debra’s   Revenge

Yesterday,   Debra   was   late   for   work.   Her   boss   was  angry   and   scolded   her.    Her   boss   even   told   her   if   she   did  it again,   she   would be   fired.   When   the   boss   came   to   his   office,    he    told   Debra    to    cook   a   delicious   tea.   Debra   was   angry   because   she   probably   was   fired.   So   she   put   a   purgative   powder   in   her   boss’s   tea.

Then,   Debra   took   this   poison   tea   to   the   boss’s   office.   The   boss   conceded   to   take   the   tea   to   drink.   Debra   acted like   the   tea   was   fine   and   took   the   tea   to   the   boss   happily.   Then,   the   boss   drank   the   tea.   He   had   enteritis   and had to   go   to   the  toilet   for   diarrhea.   Debra’s   revenge   was   very   successful,   and   she   laughed   at   her   boss   finally.

Comment: This is a nicely written essay! I love the creativity. You were able to make the story even more interesting through your funny anecdotes. Also, I think you did a good job of structuring the sentences and the essay as a whole. Good job!

Debra’s Revenge

Debra’s   Revenge

Yesterday   Debra   was   late   to   work.   Her   boss   was  angry   to   scold   her.    Her   boss   even   told   her   if   she   did   again,   she   was   fire.   When   the   boss   came   to   his   office,    he    told   Debra    to    cook   a   delicious   tea.   Debra   was   angry   because   she   probably   was   fire.   So   she   put   a   purgative   powder   in   her   boss’s   tea.

Then   Debra   took   this   poison   tea   to   the   boss’s   office.   The   boss   conceited   to   take   the   tea   to   drink.   Debra   faked   the   tea   was   fine   and   took   the   tea   to   the   boss   happily.   Then   the   boss   drank   the   tea.   He   had   a   enteritis   to   go   to   the  toilet   for   diarrnoea.   Debra’s   revenge   was   very   successful,   and   she   laughted   at   her   boss   finally.

批改過的An Embarrassing Bus Ride

An   Embarrassing   Bus   Ride

One   day,   Steven   took   a   bus   as   usual.   Then,   an   old   woman   took   the   bus   while   he   sat   in his  soft seat.  The   old   woman   took   a   cane     and   walked   exhaustedly.   Steven    sometimes   took   the   priority   seat.   It   was   Steven’s   bad   habit.   Then,   he   listened   to   music   with   his ear-phones   and   was   happy.

After   that,   the   old   woman   didn’t   find   any   seat   to   sit.   She   was   angry   and   told   Steven   to yield   to her.   Steven   was   sorry   and   embarrassed   for   his   fault,   so   he   stood   up   to   yield to  her.   But   the   old   woman   was   still   angry   because   Steven   wore   his   ear-phones  and   didn’t   seriously   listen   to   her   complain.   Then,   Steven   hurried   up   to   take out the   ear-phones   and   looked   over.   Steven  didn’t   have   anything else   to   do   but   freeze.

Comment: I think is a good writing. Yu didn’t make many mistakes and the story flowed well. I would encourage you to be more creative though. Don’t be afraid to give the story some funny, interesting parts, even if it isn’t realistic. Have fun with it!

An Embarrassing Bus Ride

An   Embarrassing   Bus   Ride

One   day   Steven   took   a   bus   as   usual.   Then   an   old   woman   took   a   bus   when   he   sat   with  soft.  The   old   woman   took   a   cane     and   walked   exhaustedly.   Steven    sometimes   took   the   priority   seat.   It   was   Steven’s   bad   habit.   Then   he   listened   to   the   music   with   ear-phone   and   was   happy.

After   that   the   old   woman   didn’t   find   any   seat   to   sit.   She   was   angry   and   told   Steven   yield   her.   Steven   was   sorry   and   embarrassing   on   his   fault,   so   he   stood   up   to   yield   her.   But   the   old   woman   was   still   angry   because   Steven   wore   a   ear-phone  and   didn’t   seriously   listen   to   her   complain.   Then   Steven   hurried   up   to   took   away   the   ear-phone   and   looked   over.   Steven  didn’t   have   another   ways   to   do   except   freezing.

批改過的A Difficult Birth

A    Difficult    Birth

Sandra    was   pregnant   for   nine   months   and   was   due   to   give   birth   yesterday.   Her   husband,   Steven,   was   really   excited   and   they   were   both   very   happy.   When   Sandra   started   to   go   into   labor,   crying   and   screaming   with    pain,  Steven   took   her   to   the   hospital.  He   even   had   a   video   camera  to   record   the   wonderful   occasion.  The   doctor   quickly   concentrated   on   Sandra   and   her   baby,   while   Steven   stood   by.

Then    Sandra   began   to   bleed   a   lot  and   the   doctor   had   to     pull   the   baby   out   of   her   body   by   hand.   Seeing   the   bloodied   baby   arrive   caused   Steven   to   faint.   He   was   placed   in   a   hospital   bed    to   receive   an   injection   that   would   revive   him.    Sandra   was   not   happy   with   her   husband   at   all,   muttering   and   complaining   about   how   weak   he   was.   

But   as   she   took   her   baby   boy   into   her   arms,   she   had   to   laugh  - she   would   have   two   babies   and   not   one   to   look   after   if   Steven   did   not   recover   soon!

General Comments:

·         Spacing between words and lines is very large. This needs to be adjusted unless it is your style.

·         The story is a little gory, so I have toned it down a bit!

·         If you mean to say that she was 6 months pregnant and that the baby came early, you must say so. Otherwise it should be 9 months as I have put.

·         I have changed today to yesterday to be clearer to the reader that it is a past tense story.

·         There are several spelling mistakes – always check after writing.

·         The word incantation is used incorrectly here. It is a religious word.

·         There does not seem to be a very strong point or conclusion to this story. I think it could have been less detailed about the actual birth, and made funnier about Steven’s reaction. I have added a conclusion to help you that I think fits well. Delete it of course if you dislike it, or have a word limit.

·         Instead of short sentences, try and join them as I have done to make your writing less ‘choppy.’

·         You just need to spend more time rereading and rechecking your writing, and then fewer mistakes will be made. 

A Difficult Birth

A    Difficult    Birth

Sandra    was   pregrant   for   six   months.   She   was   birth   on   today..   Her   husband,   Steven,   was   very   excited.    They   were   very   happy.   Then   Sandra   stopped   to   have   birth   throes,    and   she   cried   and   yelled   with     pain.   Steven   took   a   vedeo  camera   to   take   photographs   all   his   baby   progress   of   birth.   The   doctor   concentrated   on   Sandra   and   her   baby’s   situation.

Then    Sandra   brgan   to   bleed   a   lot.   The   doctor   push   her   hands   to   pull   the   baby   out   of   Sandra’s   body.   The   bloody   baby   made   Steven   be   fainted.   Then   Sandra’s   husband,    Steven,   lied    down   the   hospital   bed     to   receive   an   Intravenous   injection.   Sandra   was   very   angry   and   took   her  new   baby   boy    on   the    hands.   Sandra   muttered   incantations  and   complained   Steven’s   weak.

批改過的A Terrible Walk Home

A    Terrible    Walk    Home

Betty   and   Simon   were   very   close   classmates   who  kept   no   secrets   from   one   another.  

Yesterday   they   talked   to   each   other   happily   as   usual   after   class.   They   put   their   school   bags   by   their   sides   where   they   swung   freely   and   easily.   Then,   suddenly   Betty   walked   into   a   large,   heavy   rock.   She   was   very   sore   and   yelled   out   to   Simon.   Simon   heard   her   and   worried   about    her   safety,   so   he   immediately   looked   over   and   his   eyes  widened.  

By   then,   Betty   had   by   then   fallen   down   the   road.  She   was   fine,   but   her   ridiculous   panties,   which    had   a   big   red   heart   in   the   center,  were   seen   by   Simon.   He   just   could   not   help   laughing   at   her.    Betty   was   so   angry   when   she    stood   up.   She   picked    up     a   small   stone   and   threw   it   at   Simon’s   head.  Ouch!   Simon’s   head   hurt   a   lot.   They   definitely   were   no   longer   close   friends   after   that   incident!

General Comments:

·         Be aware of when you can join two short sentences into one – see first sentence for example.

·         In a short piece of writing such as this, try not to repeat words or phrases e.g. ‘each other’, ‘sore’.

·         The spacing between words and lines is quite large. It would be better to reduce word spacing, unless it is a style you like.

·         Please try to not use contractions, such as ‘can’t’, unless someone is speaking.

·         ‘….stretched his eyes’ doesn’t make sense, but have written what I think you mean.

·         Always check your spelling after writing – there are a few mistakes.

·         ‘Knicker’ is an incorrect word here. You need ‘panties’for American English or ‘knickers’ in British English.

·         Overall it is mostly understandable – a very embarrassing walk home I would say!

A Terrible Walk Home

A    Terrible    Walk    Home

Betty   and   Simon   were   very   close   classmates.   They  kept   no   serects   from   each   other.   Yesterday   they   talked   to   each   other   happily  again   after   class.   They   put   their   school   bags   by   side   freely   and   easy.   Then   Betty   hit   a   big   and   heavy   rock.   She   was   very   sore    and   yelled   out.   Simon   worried   about   Brtty’s   safety,   so   he   stretched   his   eyes.

Then   Betty   fell   down   the   road,   but   she   was   fine.   Her   ridiculous   knicker  which   was   in   the   center   having  a   big   red   heart   was   seen   by   Simon.   Simon   can’t   help   laughting   at   her.   Then   Betty   was   angry   and    stood   up.   She   cast    a   small   rock   to   Simon’s   head.   Simon   was   very   sore.   They   weren’t   already   close   friends   after   yesterday.

批改過的My Home Is Far From the School

My  Home  Is  Far  From  the  School

     My  home  is  far  from  the  school,  so if I want to be[E1]   in  time  for  school ,  I  must  get  up  early.  We  have  four  classes  in  the  morning  and  after  lunch  we  have  forty minutes  for  a  short  nap.  I  concentrate  [E2] in  class  and  am  busy  [E3] taking  notes  in  order  to  review  after  class.  The  school  ends  at  four-thirty,  but  I  stay  at school  to  readbooks  and  do  not  go  straight  home.  In  order  to  pass   the  college  examination,  I  go  to  a  cram  school.  When  I  come  home,   I  am  exhausted[E4] .

---

 [E1]You could also say ‘because I am always on time for school’

 [E2]Usually we say ‘concentrate on something’ – ‘I concentrate on the teacher’. But because you can also use this verb without an object and then you don’t need the ‘on’.

 [E3]Because you have the ‘ing’ on ‘taking’ you don’t need the ‘to’ here.

 [E4]Wow! What a busy and tiring life! Keep up the great effort to achieve your dreams. You’ve done a good job with these two essays and your meaning is clear and easy to understand. The best advice I can give you is to pay attention to the form of the words you use. Notice when a word is a noun, a verb or an adverb or adjective. If you can remember all the forms of these words, it will become much easier for you to write smoothly.

mso� � x x �T JavaScript onmouseover="msoCommentShow('_anchor_4','_com_4')" onmouseout="msoCommentHide('_com_4')">

 [E4]Here you can say ‘as early as possible’ or you can say ‘as early as I could’.

 [E5]For some reason Taiwanese teachers always teach students to say ‘take exercise’, but no one where I’m from says that. We usually say ‘got some exercise’.

 [E6]‘pursuit’ is a noun and ‘pursue’ is a verb. Don’t mix them together.

 [E7]Here you can use the adverb ‘mentally’ to get your point across more smoothly.

 [E8]It’s not clear if you are finished with this year yet or not. I guess this time has already passed so we should use past tense.

批改過的 The Last[E1] Year in High School

      The  Last[E1]   Year  in  High  School

     The  last  year  in  high  school,  my  main  concern  was  [E2] how  to  pass  the upcoming  college  examination[E3] .  Everyday   I  went  to  bed  and  got  up  as early  as  [E4] possible.  I  took[E5]    regular  exercise  to  keep  my body  healthy.  Most  of the

time I concentrated  on  my  homework,  so  I  have  interest  in  pursuing[E6]   knowledge.  I  find  out  that  the  more  books  I  read,  the  more  I  am  mentally [E7] enriched.  In  that  year,   my life was [E8]   pains-taking  and   full  of  hope  .

---

 [E1]‘Last’ is already the superlative form. You don’t need to add ‘est’.

 [E2]This is past tense so I think that you have already finished school.

 [E3]‘examine’ is the verb. We need the noun here – examination.

 [E4]Here you can say ‘as early as possible’ or you can say ‘as early as I could’.

 [E5]For some reason Taiwanese teachers always teach students to say ‘take exercise’, but no one where I’m from says that. We usually say ‘got some exercise’.

 [E6]‘pursuit’ is a noun and ‘pursue’ is a verb. Don’t mix them together.

 [E7]Here you can use the adverb ‘mentally’ to get your point across more smoothly.

 [E8]It’s not clear if you are finished with this year yet or not. I guess this time has already passed so we should use past tense.

My Home Is Far From the School

My  Home  Is  Far  From  the  School

     My  home  is  far  from  the  school,  because  I  am  in  time  for  school ,  I  must  get  up  early.  We  have  four  class  in  the  morning  and  after  lunch  we  have  fourty  mimutes  of  a  short  nap.  I  concentrate  on  in  class  and  is  busy  to  taking  notes  in  order  to  review  after  class.  The  school  quits  at  four-thirty,  but  I  stay  school  to  read  books  and  do  not  go  straight  home.  In  order  to  pass   the  college  examine,  I  go  to  a  cram  school.  When  I  come  home,   I  am  exhausted.

The Lastest Year in High School

        The  Lastest  Year  in  High  School

     The  lastest  year  in  high  school,  my  main  concern  was  how  to  pass  upcoming  collrge  examine.  Everyday   I  went  to  bed  and  got  up  early  as  my  possible,  I  took   regular  exercise  to  keep  body  healthy.  Most  time  I  concentrate  on  my  homework,  so  I  have  interest  in  pursuiting  knowledge.  I  find  out  that  the  more  books  I  read,  the  more  mental  life  I  am  enriched.  In  that  year,   I  have  a  pains-taking  and   am  fulls  of  hope  life.

批改過的My High School Life

My   High   School   Life

My  high  school  life  is  not  only  interesting,  but  also   enriching[H1] .  Everyday  I  must  get  up  early  in  order  to  get   to  school  on  time.  There is a lot of homework,  but  teachers   teach  us  with  all  their  heart.  I  am always busy  doing  my  homework  and  rewiewing  it.  In  these  three  years,  I  am  sure  to  get  previous lot of  knowledge.

My   High   School   Life

     In  high  school,  I  did  not  study  hard.  I  usually  cut  class.  I  joined  many  extracurricular  activities,  so  I  wasn’t able to  concentrate  on  my  homework.  As  I  look  back,  I  should  not have wasted  my  precious  time.  If it wasn’t  for absent-mindedness  in  that  time,  I  could have  become  an  excellent  student.

Comment: Please refer to my comment on the top right for a specific tip on using adjectives. Other than that, I don’t know if your computer formatted this incorrect or whether you did it, but you shouldn’t have two spaces between each word. I would delete one space between the words. Other than that you only had a few grammar mistakes. Take care.

-Jared

---

 [H1]When you are using an adjective to describe an object like “high school life,” it will end in “ing.” If you are describing yourself, then use “ed.”

My High School Life

My   High   School   Life

     In  high  school  time,  I  did  not  study  hard  ,  I  usually  cut  a  class.  I  joined  many  extracurricular  activities,  so  I  can  not  concentrate  on  my  homework.  So  I  look  back,  I  should  not  watse  my  precious  time.  But  for  absent-mindedness  in  that  time,  I  can  became  a  excellent  student.

My High School Life

My   High   School   Life

My  high  school  life  is  not  only  interesting  but  also   enriched.  Everyday  I  must  get  up  early  in  order  to  go   to  school  on  time.  Homeworks  are  more,  but  teachers   teach  us  with  all  one’s  heart.  Everything  I  am  busy  to  doing  my  homework  and  rewiew  them.  In  these  three  years,  I  am  sure  to  get  many previous  knowledge.

老師批改過的Fanny

                    Fanny

      My  name  is  Fanny.  I  am  thirty-two  years  old.  I  come  from  Tainan,  Taiwan.  I   can  speak  a  little  English,  Japanese,  and  fluent  Chinese.  I  am  short  and  a  little heavy.  My  hair  is  straight,  black  and  short.

       I  am  a  dependent  [E1] person.  Sometimes  I  am  a  responsible   person.   I   am   a  soft  person[E2] ,  and  I   study  hard.

       My  casual  dress  is  long  pants,   red  glasses,  a T-shirt,  and  a long  sleeved shirt[E3] .  [E4] My  skin  has  a  lot  of   black   spots.   They  are   caused  by  sun.  My skin often burns in the sunlight .  so  [E5] I  must  wear  long  pants  and  long  sleeves  to  prevent  my skin  from  becoming  [E6] black.

       I  like  skating,   sking,   and   swimming.   And  I  like   go  on   the  Internet  to  play  games.  I   [E7] read  reference   books   every   afternoon   and   every  evening.

       I   aim  to   enter  [E8] the   university  in  Tainan,  which   has  good  teachers  and  good  equipment[E9] .  I   want  to    become   a   nutrient[E10]    doctor.   I  will  work  in  a hospital  in  Tainan,   or  keep  studying  nutrient   [E11] science[E12] .

---

 [E1]I wonder if you mean ‘independent’? ‘Dependent’ means you depend on other people a lot.

 [E2]‘Person’ is for only one and ‘people’ is for more than one.

 [E3]I added this because I thought you mean a long-sleeved T-shirt, but I guess you mean a long-sleeved shirt over a T-shirt.

 [E4] This ‘because’ doesn’t connect to anything so I took it out.

 [E5]This connects to the previous sentence so we can put them together in one sentence.

 [E6]‘become’ is the verb and ‘became’ is the past tense. There is no such word as ‘becaming’.

 [E7]We don’t need ‘usually’ and ‘every’ together – one of them is enough.

 [E8]‘entrance’ is a noun. We need the verb ‘enter’ here.

 [E9]‘equip’ is a verb. We need the noun ‘equipment’ here.

 [E10]You could also say ‘nutritionist’.

 [E11]You could also say ‘nutrition science’.

 [E12]All in all this is a nice introduction with a clear structure. Your grammar is pretty good, but be careful about your spelling. Do you have a spell check on your computer? It can help you find spelling mistakes. Keep up the good work and good luck with your nutrition studies! : )

Fanny

                    Fanny

      My  name  is  Fanny.  I  am  thirty-two  years  old.  I  come  front  Tainan,  Taiwan.  I   can  speak  a  little  English,  Japenese,  and  fruent  Chinese.  I  am  short  and  a  little heavy.  My  hair  is  straight,  black  and  short.

       I  am  a  dependent  person.  Sometimes  I  am  resposible   man.   I   am   a  soft  people,  and  I   study  hard.

       My  casual  dress  is  long  pants,   red  glasses,  T-shirt,  and  long  sleeves.  Because  My  skin  has  a  lot  of   black   spots.   They  are   caused  by  sun.  I  often  hurt  my  skin  black  from  sunlight.  So  I  must  wear  long  pants  and  long  sleeves  to  prevent  me  from  becameing  black.

       I  like  skating,   sking,   and   swimming.   And  I  like   go  to   the  Internet  to  play  games.  I   usually  read  reference   books   every   afternoon   and   every  evening.

       I   aim  to   entrance  the   university  in  Tainan,  where   has  good  teachers  and  good  equips.  I   want  to    entrance   a   nuturient   doctor.   I  will  work  in  hospital  in  Tainan,   or  keep  studying  nutrient   science.