補充 2013-08-03 15:07 A Difficult Birth

 補充  2013-08-03 15:07   A    Difficult    Birth

A    Difficult    Birth

Sandra    was   pregnant   for   nine   months   and   was   due   to   give   birth   yesterday.   Her   husband,   Steven,   was   really   excited   and   they   were   both   very   happy.   When   Sandra   started   to   go   into   labor,   crying   and   screaming   with    pain,  Steven   took   her   to   the   hospital.  He   even   had   a   video   camera  to   record   the   wonderful   occasion.  The   doctor   quickly   concentrated   on   Sandra   and   her   baby,   while   Steven   stood   by.

Then    Sandra   began   to   bleed   a   lot  and   the   doctor   had   to     pull   the   baby   out   of   her   body   by   hand.   Seeing   the   bloodied   baby   arrive   caused   Steven   to   faint.   He   was   placed   in   a   hospital   bed    to   receive   an   injection   that   would   revive   him.    Sandra   was   not   happy   with   her   husband   at   all,   muttering   and   complaining   about   how   weak   he   was.   

But   as   she   took   her   baby   boy   into   her   arms,   she   had   to   laugh  - she   would   have   two   babies   and   not   one   to   look   after   if   Steven   did   not   recover   soon!

 

 

General Comments:

·         Spacing between words and lines is very large. This needs to be adjusted unless it is your style.

·         The story is a little gory, so I have toned it down a bit!

·         If you mean to say that she was 6 months pregnant and that the baby came early, you must say so. Otherwise it should be 9 months as I have put.

·         I have changed today to yesterday to be clearer to the reader that it is a past tense story.

·         There are several spelling mistakes – always check after writing.

·         The word incantation is used incorrectly here. It is a religious word.

·         There does not seem to be a very strong point or conclusion to this story. I think it could have been less detailed about the actual birth, and made funnier about Steven’s reaction. I have added a conclusion to help you that I think fits well. Delete it of course if you dislike it, or have a word limit.

·         Instead of short sentences, try and join them as I have done to make your writing less ‘choppy.’

·         You just need to spend more time rereading and rechecking your writing, and then fewer mistakes will be made.