補充 2013-08-03 15:09 A Terrible Walk Home
A Terrible Walk Home
Betty and Simon were very close classmates who kept no secrets from one another.
Yesterday they talked to each other happily as usual after class. They put their school bags by their sides where they swung freely and easily. Then, suddenly Betty walked into a large, heavy rock. She was very sore and yelled out to Simon. Simon heard her and worried about her safety, so he immediately looked over and his eyes widened.
By then, Betty had by then fallen down the road. She was fine, but her ridiculous panties, which had a big red heart in the center, were seen by Simon. He just could not help laughing at her. Betty was so angry when she stood up. She picked up a small stone and threw it at Simon’s head. Ouch! Simon’s head hurt a lot. They definitely were no longer close friends after that incident!
General Comments:
· Be aware of when you can join two short sentences into one – see first sentence for example.
· In a short piece of writing such as this, try not to repeat words or phrases e.g. ‘each other’, ‘sore’.
· The spacing between words and lines is quite large. It would be better to reduce word spacing, unless it is a style you like.
· Please try to not use contractions, such as ‘can’t’, unless someone is speaking.
· ‘….stretched his eyes’ doesn’t make sense, but have written what I think you mean.
· Always check your spelling after writing – there are a few mistakes.
· ‘Knicker’ is an incorrect word here. You need ‘panties’for American English or ‘knickers’ in British English.
· Overall it is mostly understandable – a very embarrassing walk home I would say!
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