批改過的A Difficult Birth

批改過的A    Difficult    Birth

A    Difficult    Birth

Sandra    was   pregnant   for   nine   months   and   was   due   to   give   birth   yesterday.   Her   husband,   Steven,   was   really   excited   and   they   were   both   very   happy.   When   Sandra   started   to   go   into   labor,   crying   and   screaming   with    pain,  Steven   took   her   to   the   hospital.  He   even   had   a   video   camera  to   record   the   wonderful   occasion.  The   doctor   quickly   concentrated   on   Sandra   and   her   baby,   while   Steven   stood   by.

Then    Sandra   began   to   bleed   a   lot  and   the   doctor   had   to     pull   the   baby   out   of   her   body   by   hand.   Seeing   the   bloodied   baby   arrive   caused   Steven   to   faint.   He   was   placed   in   a   hospital   bed    to   receive   an   injection   that   would   revive   him.    Sandra   was   not   happy   with   her   husband   at   all,   muttering   and   complaining   about   how   weak   he   was.   

But   as   she   took   her   baby   boy   into   her   arms,   she   had   to   laugh  - she   would   have   two   babies   and   not   one   to   look   after   if   Steven   did   not   recover   soon!

General Comments:

·         Spacing between words and lines is very large. This needs to be adjusted unless it is your style.

·         The story is a little gory, so I have toned it down a bit!

·         If you mean to say that she was 6 months pregnant and that the baby came early, you must say so. Otherwise it should be 9 months as I have put.

·         I have changed today to yesterday to be clearer to the reader that it is a past tense story.

·         There are several spelling mistakes – always check after writing.

·         The word incantation is used incorrectly here. It is a religious word.

·         There does not seem to be a very strong point or conclusion to this story. I think it could have been less detailed about the actual birth, and made funnier about Steven’s reaction. I have added a conclusion to help you that I think fits well. Delete it of course if you dislike it, or have a word limit.

·         Instead of short sentences, try and join them as I have done to make your writing less ‘choppy.’

·         You just need to spend more time rereading and rechecking your writing, and then fewer mistakes will be made. 

A Difficult Birth

A    Difficult    Birth

Sandra    was   pregrant   for   six   months.   She   was   birth   on   today..   Her   husband,   Steven,   was   very   excited.    They   were   very   happy.   Then   Sandra   stopped   to   have   birth   throes,    and   she   cried   and   yelled   with     pain.   Steven   took   a   vedeo  camera   to   take   photographs   all   his   baby   progress   of   birth.   The   doctor   concentrated   on   Sandra   and   her   baby’s   situation.

Then    Sandra   brgan   to   bleed   a   lot.   The   doctor   push   her   hands   to   pull   the   baby   out   of   Sandra’s   body.   The   bloody   baby   made   Steven   be   fainted.   Then   Sandra’s   husband,    Steven,   lied    down   the   hospital   bed     to   receive   an   Intravenous   injection.   Sandra   was   very   angry   and   took   her  new   baby   boy    on   the    hands.   Sandra   muttered   incantations  and   complained   Steven’s   weak.

批改過的A Terrible Walk Home

批改過的A    Terrible    Walk    Home

A    Terrible    Walk    Home

Betty   and   Simon   were   very   close   classmates   who  kept   no   secrets   from   one   another.  

Yesterday   they   talked   to   each   other   happily   as   usual   after   class.   They   put   their   school   bags   by   their   sides   where   they   swung   freely   and   easily.   Then,   suddenly   Betty   walked   into   a   large,   heavy   rock.   She   was   very   sore   and   yelled   out   to   Simon.   Simon   heard   her   and   worried   about    her   safety,   so   he   immediately   looked   over   and   his   eyes  widened.  

By   then,   Betty   had   by   then   fallen   down   the   road.  She   was   fine,   but   her   ridiculous   panties,   which    had   a   big   red   heart   in   the   center,  were   seen   by   Simon.   He   just   could   not   help   laughing   at   her.    Betty   was   so   angry   when   she    stood   up.   She   picked    up     a   small   stone   and   threw   it   at   Simon’s   head.  Ouch!   Simon’s   head   hurt   a   lot.   They   definitely   were   no   longer   close   friends   after   that   incident!

General Comments:

·         Be aware of when you can join two short sentences into one – see first sentence for example.

·         In a short piece of writing such as this, try not to repeat words or phrases e.g. ‘each other’, ‘sore’.

·         The spacing between words and lines is quite large. It would be better to reduce word spacing, unless it is a style you like.

·         Please try to not use contractions, such as ‘can’t’, unless someone is speaking.

·         ‘….stretched his eyes’ doesn’t make sense, but have written what I think you mean.

·         Always check your spelling after writing – there are a few mistakes.

·         ‘Knicker’ is an incorrect word here. You need ‘panties’for American English or ‘knickers’ in British English.

·         Overall it is mostly understandable – a very embarrassing walk home I would say!

A Terrible Walk Home

A    Terrible    Walk    Home

Betty   and   Simon   were   very   close   classmates.   They  kept   no   serects   from   each   other.   Yesterday   they   talked   to   each   other   happily  again   after   class.   They   put   their   school   bags   by   side   freely   and   easy.   Then   Betty   hit   a   big   and   heavy   rock.   She   was   very   sore    and   yelled   out.   Simon   worried   about   Brtty’s   safety,   so   he   stretched   his   eyes.

Then   Betty   fell   down   the   road,   but   she   was   fine.   Her   ridiculous   knicker  which   was   in   the   center   having  a   big   red   heart   was   seen   by   Simon.   Simon   can’t   help   laughting   at   her.   Then   Betty   was   angry   and    stood   up.   She   cast    a   small   rock   to   Simon’s   head.   Simon   was   very   sore.   They   weren’t   already   close   friends   after   yesterday.

批改過的My Home Is Far From the School

批改過的My  Home  Is  Far  From  the  School  

My  Home  Is  Far  From  the  School

     My  home  is  far  from  the  school,  so if I want to be[E1]   in  time  for  school ,  I  must  get  up  early.  We  have  four  classes  in  the  morning  and  after  lunch  we  have  forty minutes  for  a  short  nap.  I  concentrate  [E2] in  class  and  am  busy  [E3] taking  notes  in  order  to  review  after  class.  The  school  ends  at  four-thirty,  but  I  stay  at school  to  readbooks  and  do  not  go  straight  home.  In  order  to  pass   the  college  examination,  I  go  to  a  cram  school.  When  I  come  home,   I  am  exhausted[E4] .

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 [E1]You could also say ‘because I am always on time for school’

 [E2]Usually we say ‘concentrate on something’ – ‘I concentrate on the teacher’. But because you can also use this verb without an object and then you don’t need the ‘on’.

 [E3]Because you have the ‘ing’ on ‘taking’ you don’t need the ‘to’ here.

 [E4]Wow! What a busy and tiring life! Keep up the great effort to achieve your dreams. You’ve done a good job with these two essays and your meaning is clear and easy to understand. The best advice I can give you is to pay attention to the form of the words you use. Notice when a word is a noun, a verb or an adverb or adjective. If you can remember all the forms of these words, it will become much easier for you to write smoothly.

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 [E4]Here you can say ‘as early as possible’ or you can say ‘as early as I could’.

 [E5]For some reason Taiwanese teachers always teach students to say ‘take exercise’, but no one where I’m from says that. We usually say ‘got some exercise’.

 [E6]‘pursuit’ is a noun and ‘pursue’ is a verb. Don’t mix them together.

 [E7]Here you can use the adverb ‘mentally’ to get your point across more smoothly.

 [E8]It’s not clear if you are finished with this year yet or not. I guess this time has already passed so we should use past tense.

批改過的 The Last[E1] Year in High School

   批改過的 The  Last[E1]   Year  in  High  School   

                       The  Last[E1]   Year  in  High  School

     The  last  year  in  high  school,  my  main  concern  was  [E2] how  to  pass  the upcoming  college  examination[E3] .  Everyday   I  went  to  bed  and  got  up  as early  as  [E4] possible.  I  took[E5]    regular  exercise  to  keep  my body  healthy.  Most  of the

time I concentrated  on  my  homework,  so  I  have  interest  in  pursuing[E6]   knowledge.  I  find  out  that  the  more  books  I  read,  the  more  I  am  mentally [E7] enriched.  In  that  year,   my life was [E8]   pains-taking  and   full  of  hope  .

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 [E1]‘Last’ is already the superlative form. You don’t need to add ‘est’.

 [E2]This is past tense so I think that you have already finished school.

 [E3]‘examine’ is the verb. We need the noun here – examination.

 [E4]Here you can say ‘as early as possible’ or you can say ‘as early as I could’.

 [E5]For some reason Taiwanese teachers always teach students to say ‘take exercise’, but no one where I’m from says that. We usually say ‘got some exercise’.

 [E6]‘pursuit’ is a noun and ‘pursue’ is a verb. Don’t mix them together.

 [E7]Here you can use the adverb ‘mentally’ to get your point across more smoothly.

 [E8]It’s not clear if you are finished with this year yet or not. I guess this time has already passed so we should use past tense.

My Home Is Far From the School

My  Home  Is  Far  From  the  School

     My  home  is  far  from  the  school,  because  I  am  in  time  for  school ,  I  must  get  up  early.  We  have  four  class  in  the  morning  and  after  lunch  we  have  fourty  mimutes  of  a  short  nap.  I  concentrate  on  in  class  and  is  busy  to  taking  notes  in  order  to  review  after  class.  The  school  quits  at  four-thirty,  but  I  stay  school  to  read  books  and  do  not  go  straight  home.  In  order  to  pass   the  college  examine,  I  go  to  a  cram  school.  When  I  come  home,   I  am  exhausted.